Is the Institution of Marriage outdated ?

                                                  If you like it should you put a ring on it ? 

Is the Institution of marriage outdated ?

This morning I woke up checking Facebook with my usual morning scroll. A friends post stood out to me....I will keep her anonymous but she posted

“I think the institute of marriage should be abolished. Why have it?”

Hmm...This gave me lots to think about...as I embark on a journey to be married myself this coming May. Don t get me wrong I didn’t think twice about my choice to marry at all...rather, how can I answer this question. The reasons for me are obvious...but why, should someone else marry. I had no answer...curious as to why she felt that way I asked

Why?

Her response..

“Because it seems the only reason people do it anymore is to make someone legally bound. Not because they love them and want to celebrate them. Plus, it does not condone of every type of person getting married, so the institution of marriage, to me, is one of the most judgmental institutions.”

There is much truth in her answer. Do people get married to make someone legally bound I pondered this idea all morning...Yes ...and No currently it does not condone every type of person getting married. Do I personally think marriage should be abolished...absolutely not.

Marriage has many positive aspects, some logical and have nothing to do with love...such as

1. Tax benefits
2. Immediate joint custody of children born to the marriage
   ( little known fact in GA unwed men...have no legal rights to their children born out of “wedlock” , even when child support is enforced custody and visitation are separate issues from child support)

3. The benefit of two joint incomes brings an overall household stability
4. Better car insurance
5. Greater options of health insurance plans
6. Studies show married couples report higher quality relationships and better sex then unmarried co inhabitants.

...the list goes on, BUT none of these things are a reason to marry.

I can see the question people have when 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Why is marriage important?

I believe marriage is the glue that holds a relationship together WHEN...the relationship is “marriage quality”( I'll get to that later). Statistics say unmarried co-inhibitors generally last about 2 years and rarely more then 5 when there is no marriage proposal made. Could that be because people are not “Legally Bound”...possible.

Our society loves to do what comes easy...and frankly yes it is easier just to walk away when there is no commitment. But I would not say that when you marry “you’re” making that someone legally bound...I like to think both parties are choosing to Bind themselves to one another, or it least that’s the way it should be. When times get rough you do not just walk away from a husband/wife like you do from a boyfriend /girlfriend. What shows love more then commitment ?

My fiance and I have chosen to incorporate a Hand fasting into our ceremony. A hand fasting is where the officiant, or family members tie cords around the couples hands to symbolize the Binding of two into one. We have chosen to bind ourselves to each other, spiritually, mentally, physically( by the hand fasting ceremony ) and legally. We are choosing to not make it easy to walk away.

Now back to that 50% divorce rate...

Marriage that work, are made of a union of two people who understand that a marriage is made up of several ingredients :

1. Patience
   the ability to ride the tide of rough times
2. Forgiveness
   in love, there is forgiveness...not the kind where you simply say im sorrry and go on in anger through years. A truly forgiving heart. You cannot move forward in a healthy relationship holding grudges from the past.
3. Selflessness
   in big things and small ones.
4. Communication
   In my opinion the most important part. My fiance and I are best friends, we come to each other in happiness, excitement, sorrow, anxiousness, and upset moments. We talk about problems, our day, our dreams, silly things like the zombie apocalypse . We make it a point to talk to each other often and about everything. Lack of communication is the easiest way to put distance in a relationship.
5. Love
   ..is a combination of all the above..not the fuzzy feelings those come and go. Love is the ingredients you put into the relationship topped with the commitment.

I believe many people do not know how to truly apply all these things to their relationship. I am not saying I am special...and have all the answers, but I work at them, I read, I learn and try to be better.

It takes many tools to have a successful marriage, would you drive a car without reading the drivers manual and learning how to drive? So why would you do something as serious as commit yourself to another person without knowing what it takes.

Point no 1.

Marriage takes tools.

Earlier I mentioned “Marriage Quality” not every relationship is one that should enter such a commitment...no matter how bad you want it. Ill give 5 examples of what I think marriage quality is

1. You love the person
   ...surprisingly many people marry for silly reasons ( we have kids, he makes a lot of money, hes a good father, hes good looking, we've known each other for a long time and ...there’s no one else coming along better...) These are all some I have actually heard people say. Not one of these reasons incorporates feelings.
2. Self Confidence
   People cannot love someone in a healthy way if they do not love themselves.
   If you are looking for a relationship to be reassuring of your qualities or abilities or anything else that has to do with you...you are going to be a very needy partner. Since relationships require lots of giving, it is hard to give...when you are focused on needing.
3. Understanding of your partner...and vice versa
   Both partners must understand each other in order to fulfill each others needs. Every person has needs in a relationship, people should understand what their partner needs in order to be happy.
4. Emotional communication
   It is not enough to just communicate about daily events, finances and the future, but people must talk about how they feel. This is surprisingly difficult for most people. Many communications happen because of a lack of communication in this area.
5. Respect
   I will co-sign on many relationship experts who say a lack of respect is a relationship killer. You MUST respect your partner to have a healthy relationship. Respect...is the stop sign when you are ready to not consider your partners feelings.

There are many more then these 5 but I think these are the most important. Which leads to

Point #2

Have a relationship that is marriage quality...before deciding to get married.

Many times people get married ...last for many years and it still fails. They may have had a “Marriage quality relationship”...and the “Tools” at one point but still end in divorce.

Usually I notice when this happens one or both parties gave up working on the marriage. Many times...people get the “Grass is greener on the other side..” Syndrome even while married. Only to get to the other side...and find out that grass is Astro Turf ( Fake Grass) .

Point #3

Fertilize your own grass!!

Work on your relationship ...and never stop.

I am known to run off on a tangent...and get off the point, which was

should the institution of marriage be abolished...

No !

But...people do need to show more discretion, and sacredness if you will to marriage so it can have the respect it deserves as the beautiful union of two people taking each other to be their only partner for better or worse...for life.

Not a tabloid joke.

 And for the record...since I did not really address it....Everyone...should be entitled to marry. Maybe if our society stopped worrying about who can marry who and started worrying about marriage itself, we can go back to its meaning UNITY  and start working on our own marriages.